


when i was 18

by rwenz



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Bitter, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Inspired by "Night Changes", Jisung's by Jaemin's side the whole time, M/M, Na Jaemin-centric, Noren are asses, Sad Ending, Three dumb idiots inlove, Tragedy, jisung pov, noren confuses love with hate):, not graphic, toxic friends, tw: implied death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28162311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rwenz/pseuds/rwenz
Summary: It was always three dumb idiots in love until there was only two.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Huang Renjun/Lee Jeno, Huang Renjun/Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	when i was 18

**Author's Note:**

> HELLOOOOO im back- ngl i spent a whole week deciding how to write this and the plot went thru 3 loopholes and then night changed enter the screen,, one direction songs even tho im not a directioner or anything but theyre full on bops

When I was 18.

I had the people who loved me the most and I loved the most around me.

My cheeks were constantly abused, but in the end I never minded because they were from the people who cared about me the most.

The life I lived was like a fantasy dream, everything seemed perfect. I had all the people I loved around me, it couldn't get any better or easier.

Except, not all people were meant to stay and I could only watch one slip through my fingers for a reason that was not related to me anyway.

The one who loved me like no other, Na Jaemin was the brightest boy I knew.

He engulfed me in hugs whenever I was down and knew the exact words to make me feel better, yet on a hospital bed, I didn't know one phrase I could say to make him happier.

All I could do was mutter my 'I love you's as he silently cried. 

When I was 18.

I visited Jaemin every day.

I held his hand and helped him visit every place that the two people who he loved the most promised to take him to, but never did.

He laughs and almost every time, I could see tears threatening to come out of his eyes.

I smiled along with him as we enjoyed time together.

Jaemin continuously abused his hyung privilege to pinch my cheeks and I let him, enjoying the moment.

I never knew when was the last time I was going to see him, and when I was going to lose him.

However, he always made my days bright anyway and helped me forget my problems and his problems within his condition whenever we took the route down to the park Jaemin loved.

His rants about the place were in detail and the way he smiled as he talked about how he met Renjun and Jeno here made me smile.

It made my heart warm as I listened along to the adorable story.

However, it was only went I went home that day, I began wondering, _why weren't they questioning where Jaemin-hyung is?_

When I was 18.

The exams were coming up, but I didn't want to leave Jaemin behind so I always borrowed books from the library during lunch and rushed towards the familiar hospital room after school that I memorized the path towards there by heart already.

Jaemin was always one of the smarter ones among the group and I was overjoyed when he offered me help.

We continuously studied for long hours and he made sure I took breaks and we both ate.

My mother later came in, thanking him for taking care of me as I frowned when I realized that I had to leave.

I apologized to Jaemin and my mother stood beside me, a soft look on her face as I sulked.

Jaemin excused me though, with that exact same smile he gave everyone, but just a little more special to me as he told me it was okay.

He shooed me out and I hugged him one last time, I muttered an 'I love you' and I left. 

When I went home, Jeno and Renjun were there.

Complaining to me and scolding me for being dumb and selfish to skip _our_ day.

It is not our day when one person's missing.

It is not our day when Jaemin-hyung's missing.

When I was 18.

I was pressured to talk about Jaemin.

I was constantly leaving them to go to an unknown place that I never revealed to them.

Funny enough, when they interrogated me that day, it wasn't for Jaemin at all.

They seem so much happier, but I couldn't get the questions out my mouth.

I sighed and told them about Jaemin's situation and I could see the way their eyes soften, but soon hardened with something I couldn't read.

They simply gave me an okay and when I asked if they could visit Jaemin with me, telling them that I know Jaemin would love to have them over, they refused and made up a dumb excuse I had to buy.

I reluctantly nodded and I went back on my way to Jaemin.

I had his favorite food in hand and my mom's handmade cookies which he cooed at and asked me to thank my mother on his behalf which I nodded to.

Then, I sat down and he asked me about my day and I told him I had a lot to talk about.

He nodded and let me ramble on which I thank him for as he patted the space next to him.

The whole time, I laid in his arms, in my hyung's arms as I talked and talked.

Suddenly, my mouth spurted out about what happened with Jeno and Renjun and I could feel Jaemin physically stiffen as his arm around me turns stiff which I regret not question him for till I finally connected the dots.

I asked him whether he liked them or not.

Jaemin sighed and told me he did, made a joke out of it and laughed at me bitterly, pretending to wonder how I figured it out.

Dumb me, I didn't pick his sadness up and I laughed along, not noticing the sadness in his giggles as we went on.

When I was 18.

The doctor told me one day that I wasn't allowed to visit Jaemin as his condition was getting worst.

I was upset until anger took over me when he told me it was due to food poisoning and two boys had came around earlier.

I asked him what they looked like and the descriptions matched the people who Jaemin loved the most.

Renjun and Jeno.

I immediately run out, towards art room where I knew they would be and barged in, earning a loud scolding from them but I paid no mind.

I asked them why because I knew they weren't dumb, they knew what they were doing and I, by then, could tell they did have at the least some feelings towards him, but I couldn't understand.

They feigned innocence and acted as if they didn't know and I fumed, stomping out the room as I held back my own tears, praying that Jaemin would be okay.

I walked home without my cheeks being a pinched and no one ushering me home that day.

When I was 18.

It was my graduation day and my worries were gone as my studies had paid off.

I was happy.

My smile were large as my parents engulfed me in a hug and Jaemin was there, I watched him as we stared at each other as I received my reward.

All my earnings were from him, from his help.

He helped me get to who I was that day, in a black coat with a cap on my head which I thrown into the air to signify that I'm out, I was out of school. 

I graduated.

Then, I saw Renjun and Jeno standing by him, their postures were uncomfortable, but I could see the soft look in their eyes as Jaemin held their hands, a big smile on his face as my mother stood behind his wheelchair where he was sitting in.

I cheered as I ran towards Jaemin, giving him a hug as Renjun patted me on the back while Jaemin was crying.

He told me how proud he was of me and I hugged him tightly, crying an 'I love you' when he told me he loved me so much and how much he was proud of me.

We finally celebrated as four all together that day.

When I was 18.

I was in bed after finishing my essay I wrote for my college entry.

Then, my phone rang and I woke up.

I could barely process anything as I stood up and answered the call only for me to quickly slip on a coat and socks as I ran downstairs, ending the call.

My mother who was almost asleep on the couch only yelled at me, but I ran out, telling her I had an emergency and I ran as fast as I could possibly go.

The hospital lady at the front already knew me, and I sprinted pass her after telling her who I was visiting and I desperately ran.

The surgery room was operating and I could only cry my heart out as I shakily pressed call for Jeno and Renjun who shared an apartment.

I cried and begged for them to come.

They refused at first, demanding me to tell them what was going on before I broke.

I snapped at them that Jaemin might've been dying tonight and if they weren't going to be here, I would never forgive them.

Then, I heard loud shuffling and I ended the call, crying before only in a matter of 10, 20 minutes I see two familiar figures enter and I feel Renjun sitting next to me, hugging me, but I could feel his tears on my shirt.

I begged and prayed for Jaemin to be okay, before I could think, in an act of impulsiveness, I screamed at them.

I told them how _sick_ I was of the tension between them.

I yelled at them, telling them about all the stories Jaemin told me of them three and when Jaemin confirmed that he was in love with them all along.

I cried and threw a tantrum as I pushed them away, telling them I'd never forgive them for feeding Jaemin expired food when they obviously knew.

They cried and so did I and the hallway we sat in went quiet as all of us sat lifelessly in our seats, praying for the best.

Then, a body covered with a white blanket over was stretcher was pushed out and I gasped silently.

The nurse had her head laid low as she pronounced the one who loved others the most, who loved me, who loved the people who hurt him the most, dead at 1:27am.

**When I was 18.**

I watched 3 hearts, all of the ones I love the most spin around in a dream.

Until then, I realized that night changed.

And all those dreams I spoke of about only existed in the night when the moon and stars lit up the streets.

All this time, I watched a show surrounding me.

And only now, the three hearts I watched that were in love, were two now.

I love you, Jaemin-hyung.

Sleep well.

**Author's Note:**

> waboom,, i tried writing in 1st person today and i actually suck at writing 1st person so constructive criticism is appreciated! imma be experimenting with povs since i always write in 3rd person omniscient
> 
> edit: i just proofread this and all the mistakes scream that i shoulD NOT WRITE AT NIGHT AKSKHJFSOIDHBJ BUT YES IM GONNA BE PROOFREADING THIS SOON


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